Which dodgy British takeaway curry deserves the top spot on a Friday night?

Allegedly invented in Glasgow and beloved by Brits who claim they 'love spicy food' while ordering something the colour of a traffic cone. Comforting, creamy, and utterly indefensible to actual Indians.

Ordered mostly by blokes trying to prove something after four pints. Sweat-inducing, regret-inducing, and somehow still on every menu in Britain.

Basically a curry-flavoured custard, beloved by children and people who think black pepper is 'a bit much'. Say what you like — it still sells by the bucket.

Rich, tomatoey, and the one you order when you want to seem like you know what you're doing. The smug middle ground of the curry menu.

Spicier than korma, milder than vindaloo, and stuffed with peppers nobody asked for. The compromise candidate that somehow keeps winning national polls.